whoops

i mean i was almost 3 months self harm free
and then today happened

i haven't made a post in a while.
i guess instead of writing out my feelings i've been crying them out.

the dark knight

In the end, 
what we need 
isn’t always what we want.

And what we deserve,
is only what they’ve decided we can take.

And we didn’t do anything wrong.

But neither did they.

There are too many people
doing it all right.

We can’t always trust the protector
to carry us into the light. 

but actually

you're one of my main bitches okay but if i don't text you back and don't pick up your call and don't respond to your message on tumblr than guess what i'm probably not in the mood to talk so lets not poke my temper with a stick

there wouldn't be a shadow if there weren't any light

standing in the shadow
you can always see the light.

there wouldn’t be any suffering
without the breaths of hope.

they tell me i am sick
they tell me i am dying

you tell me to journey on.

there can’t be flaws in trying.

repost

this is me ranting about being legally psychotic bc it ruins my life

it’s physically painful. 

i lose connection and don’t know whats real from whats not real. 

i’m no longer in control of my own mind. but its very different from the eating disorders lack of control. its very very different, but also so unexplainable.

the impulses

there are strange compulsions to do “bizarre” things. personally i get anxious to write out certain words and phrases no matter where i am, sometimes using rocks or sticks of the ground or chalk on a wall. urges to pick through trash cans…and garage sales are especially bad i can’t ever be near one of those. stealing and breaking things, making huge works of art out of whatever is around me.

the anxiety i have while having these urges is so strong that sometimes it becomes impossible to resist doing them. and usually once i have done it, not feeling like it was strange at all, i feel an overwhelming wave of relief.

the paranoia 

everyone is against me. my head is torn into us and them, only every single person besides myself is in the them side. when i’m not in my bedroom i just know that someone else is. someone is there going through all my things finding all my secretes. throwing away my possessions.
laptop, cell phone, and ipod are with me at all times and are all password protected. each password changes ever 4 days at exactly midnight.
everyone is watching every move that i make. neighbors peer from behind their curtains when i step out of my house. people at the store, school, driving past me on the road, keeping close tabs.

i can’t look people in the eye. if i do i have a fear that they’re able to read my mind. all my wicked thoughts and judgements. 

somewhere in the back of my mind i know that its impossible and crazy. but i’m so detached from the world i can’t surface that thought. and when i do think it, i’m unable to figure out if its truth or a lie. 

dah voices!!!!!!!

they are the most complicated part and cause me the most pain. 

they happen in 2 different forms. 

most common for me is my embodied voices, the ones that are literally in my head, like i have a second brain. this is the most constant unrelenting kind of voices because no matter where you go it is always there with you. going on and on and on and making me scream and thrash and twisting every word people say making me think irrationally.

the other voices i get only occasionally are the ones that seem to be outside of me.
they come from strangers passing me, anyone in the same room. they dont even have to be looking at me or notice me. they just have to be there.

i’ve had wild murderous thoughts on several occasions but never acted on them. 

i’m mentally insane and was told i would most likely spend the last years of my life in a psychiatric hospital

aka mental hospital

aka alone

aka

literally crazy.

I'm not ready to go yet.

So even though your careful voice is beckoning me forward,

I don't want to wake up.

Because here

we all live in majesty,

an awe of the world.

Here

we are invincible and proud,

glowing with the contentment of the night,

faces turned skyward,

welcoming a sunrise.

Here stars are diamonds,

unmoving for the night.

But if you pull me out of here

the stars will flicker out,

slowing trailing away

to a somewhere else.

Because if we're not here,

the stars are only airplanes

for the night.