it's a shame

i'm in an overwhelming state of sadness all the time.

at this point in my life its not the eating disorder or growing schizophrenia that is keeping be locked away, its my depression.

some days i am able to push it to the side and get up out of bed. i have the strength to make small conversation and appreciate little things like a summer breeze or the melting sunset. and i'm so grateful for these days because even though i feel so much sorrow, i can still feel like i'm keeping up with the rest of nature.

these days, however, i am finding that i can't even find the strength to move sometimes, i can't even force myself to fake interest in anything or anyone.
nothing matters. i don't see the beauty in the ocean or feel that the sand between my toes is warm and fresh. i don't even recognize myself when i look in the mirror. my eyes are more dead than they've ever been; holes in my face.
talking to anyone about anything is such a chore and i use all my patients trying not to cry that i don't have any left fot the people around me; strangers and friends alike.

i wasted a week of beauty and majestic wealth to wallow in my depression.

and that makes me even more depressed.